3-Part Technique to Stop Negative Self-Talk

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I don’t have to tell you that the negative thoughts floating through your head are problematic. Your own experience tells you that. Those negative thoughts keep you up at night, put you in a bad mood, and make it hard for you to enjoy your life. Today, I’ll teach you an evidence-based strategy for stopping negative self-talk called the SOS strategy. Use it to overcome the negative way you talk to yourself.

Examples of Negative Thoughts About Self

We have negative thoughts about all kinds of things, but some of the most problematic are the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. Have you heard any of these thoughts in your head?

• I can’t do it.
• There’s something wrong with me.
• I’m an idiot.
• I always mess things up.
• I’m stupid/fat/lazy/ugly.
• I should have known better.
• I never get anything right.
• I’m a lost cause.

Where Does Negative Self-Talk Come From

Everyone has these thoughts from time to time, but some of us have them on a more regular basis. Negative self-talk can come from three places:

• Watching Others: If your parents or caregivers talked about themselves using disparaging language, you’ll learn as a child to do the same. Do you remember how your parents reacted when they made a mistake or had a bad day? Did they treat themselves with understanding and compassion, or did you hear negative self-talk?
• Life Experiences: If you’ve gone through painful life experiences, this can change the way you see and think about yourself. Before something painful happened, you might have thought of yourself as competent and able to solve your own problems; but after going through something painful, you might have thoughts that you’re inept or damaged or even that you are to blame for what happened to you. These thoughts can stick around.
• Brain Science: Our brain is set up in such a way that the types of thoughts we have are related to the type of mood we’re in. This is why when you’re happy, it’s easier to think of jokes and funny memories. If you are mad at someone, this is also why you can suddenly only think of every mistake the person has ever made. When you’re in a negative mood, you’re more likely to have negative thoughts about yourself.

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk

Even though no one sets out to talk negatively about themselves, we can still get stuck in a pattern of negative self-talk. Thankfully, psychology has developed some techniques to help us get unstuck. Here’s one to try called the SOS technique.

SOS stands for Stop, Observe, and Shift. Here’s how it works.

Step 1: Stop

Step 1 is to catch yourself in a spiral of negative self-talk and to tell yourself to “stop.” This gives you the opportunity to interrupt the spiral and gives you the space to ultimately choose another way of responding.

Analogy: Imagine you can’t find where you parked your car. You’re wandering around aimlessly, lost. This is just like your negative thoughts wandering around aimlessly in your head. Step 1 is to stop in your tracks.

Step 2: Observe

Step 2 is to observe what you’re saying to yourself. Listen in and hear what thoughts are running through your mind. Put them into words. Notice how those words make you feel.

Analogy: You’re standing in the parking lot. Now, look at your surroundings. Where are you? What details do you notice that might help you find your car?

Step 3: Shift

Step 3 is to shift your response. A few moments ago, your thoughts were just running wild, and they were affecting your mood and your behavior. They were sucking out all your energy. Use all the positive coping skills and techniques you have to shift the way you’re thinking, feeling, and behaving.

Analogy: In the maze, shift your strategy. Rather than wandering aimlessly, take the parking lot row by row. Use your car’s panic button to try to sound the horn. Find a strategy to use rather than winging it.

Coping Strategies for Step 3: Negative Self-Talk Worksheets

Steps 1 and 2 set you up so you can use all the great coping skills and techniques you’ve been developing in therapy, in the books you’re reading, and with my worksheets and articles. Here are some recommendations of techniques to use in Step 3:

Learn how to silence your inner critic

Learn how to stop your thoughts from spiraling downward

Learn how to rewire your anxious brain

How to Stop Procrastinating

I see my clients really diving into negative self-talk when they feel like they haven’t been “productive” enough. Unfortunately, the self-criticism that follows procrastination just keeps the procrastination cycle alive.  In case you haven’t heard, I published a book* all about how to use psychology to overcome procrastination!  It just dawned on me that there was a lot of content I wrote for the book that didn’t make it into the final copy, so over the next few weeks, I’m going to share that content with you!  

If you haven’t gotten your copy of The Psychology of Procrastination yet, grab it here*.  If you’re on the fence about buying it now, the techniques I’ll be sharing with you over the next few weeks might help you decide (but remember, the extra special good stuff is actually in the book!).  

If you already have The Psychology of Procrastination (thanks!!!) and are looking for even more, the techniques I’ll be sharing with you over the next few weeks are a helpful addition to all the techniques you got in the book.  More strategies to choose from can help you nail down a few that really work great for you.  Also, since overcoming procrastination is all about establishing good habits, consider grabbing my guided journal to help you change your habits. It’s called Habits: A 12-Week Journal to Change Your Habits, Track Your Progress, and Achieve Your Goals.

Up next week: How to prioritize your tasks.  It’s the first step in overcoming procrastination.  If you don’t know what’s most important, it’s hard to know where to start.  So I’ll share a few strategies that didn’t end up in the book.  Don’t miss it. For the ones that did end up in the book, grab your copy here*:

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.  

*Links to products may be affiliate links, meaning, at no extra cost to you, I’ll earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase.  Thanks for your support.