By HAYDEN FINCH, PhD
Losing a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences in life, and most of us aren’t prepared for it. Grief affects us physically, emotionally, and socially and makes it difficult to sleep and concentrate. As a result, we repress our thoughts and feelings and turn to isolation, alcohol, food, or other vices to deliberately not face what’s so painful. We think the pain will go away more quickly if we just ignore it. But emotions are sort of like a broken arm – you can ignore it forever, but it’s always going to hurt until you actually deal with it. Obviously there is no “right” way to grieve, but here are some healthier ways to cope with loss.
“We think the pain will go away more quickly if we just ignore it. But emotions are sort of like a broken arm – you can ignore it forever, but it’s always going to hurt until you actually deal with it. “
1. Allow yourself to experience the natural feelings you’re having about the loss.
It is natural to feel sadness, anger, resentment, denial, confusion, guilt, and many other feelings over the course of the bereavement process. Avoiding the feelings, although it seems logical at the time, can actually prolong your grief and could keep you stuck in the grieving process even longer. Express your feelings in whatever form best matches your personality – talk to loved ones, write a poem, compose a letter to your loved one, paint a picture, make a scrapbook.
2. Access your support system.
Spend time with friends and family who share your grief and can relate to your experience. Seek out local or online support groups to associate with, receive support from, and support others who have similar experiences. If you’re part of a religious community, seek fellowship or pray to cope. Share with others what you are feeling so they can support you and so they know how the two of you are coping similarly. Sharing your feelings will also help keep you from getting stuck in the grieving process (see #1). Talk about your loved one. Crying isn’t “weak,” and if you’re trying to “be strong” for your family, one of the strongest things you can do is to tell them that you’re hurting just like they are.
3. Continue with your regular routine as much as possible.
This normalcy helps us keep things in perspective and can prevent the onset of an illness like depression. But listen to your mind and your body here – if you can’t keep up with every part of your regular routine because you are in too much pain, then take it easy. Do what you can. If you can get out and walk the dog but can’t make it to an entire day of work, then great, start there. Keep up with your hobbies and the other parts of your life that add positivity.
4. Be mindful of your physical health.
Prolonged grief and bereavement can take a toll on our physical health through the very high stress level. We feel fatigued, get sick more often, gain or lose weight, acquire various aches and pains, can’t sleep, and have tummy troubles. Stay in contact with your physician, get regular checkups, and mention anything that seems unusual (are you sleeping differently? eating differently? pooping differently?). If you’re not sleeping, your physician may recommend a short-term sleeping medication to get you through the hardest part of your bereavement. When we’re grieving we tend to reach for easy, unhealthy food. Try to keep up a balanced diet to the extent you can, and prioritize sleep. Exercise regularly. Also be mindful of any bad habits that might be escalating, like alcohol or cigarette use, and mention this to your physican as well. One of the best ways you can support yourself emotionally is to take care of yourself physically.
5. Consider postponing any major life changes until after the bulk of your grieving is complete.
You will always miss your loved one, but time will help heal some of the pain. Wait until you are experiencing some relief before making major life changes, like marrying, taking a new job, having a baby, etc.
6. Take time for yourself.
Go to a movie, read a book, pamper yourself with a bath, wear comfortable clothing, light candles, visit a friend or relative, or otherwise engage in activities that are pleasurable and uplifting. Use the relaxation skills you’ve learned in therapy or start getting involved in meditation and relaxation.
If you think your grief is turning into depression, contact a psychologist for professional bereavement counseling. Depression looks like a feeling that life isn’t worth living anymore, sadness or emptiness that won’t go away, persistent feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, negative preoccupations, suicidal thinking, difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, blaming yourself for the loss, difficulty doing everyday tasks, or feeling disconnected from others for more than a couple of weeks. If you are having suicidal thoughts, call 1-800-273-TALK or go to your local emergency room.
Medline Plus has a list of many great resources for different types of grief. Check it out here.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD,
is a practicing psychologist
in Des Moines, Iowa.
