The Compass That Guides Your Life is Pointing You Toward Misery
How do you know if your life is on the right path? How do you know if you’re headed toward happiness or hardship? You use your emotional compass. And I’m betting yours is not pointing north. It’s uncalibrated, and here’s how.
Your Emotional Compass Guides Your Behavior
We all have an emotional compass that guides our behavior. When we’re sad, we do “sad” things…like eat ice cream, lie on the couch, and listen to Adele. When we’re irritated, we do “irritable” things…like fuss at our spouses, drive faster on the highway, and tense up our muscles. When we’re anxious, we do “anxious” things…like cancel the plans we made with our friends, run away when we see someone we know at the store, and write our boss an email instead of talking to them directly.
Your Emotions Are Helpful Cues for Yourself & Others
Most of the time, our emotional compass is helpful. Doing any of those things I listed above isn’t inherently unhelpful or problematic. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a sob session with Adele. And doing “sad” things cues the people around us to treat us differently…to hug us more or say nice things to us, for example. Doing “sad” things also cues us that there’s a problem in our lives. It’s not necessarily a problem we can solve, but something has made us sad, and the sadness turns our attention to that thing.
Over Time, Your Emotional Compass Creates Problems
So doing “sad” things or “anxious” things isn’t bad. But of course, doing too much of those things can be. If you’re spending five nights a week eating ice cream and isolating, that can certainly create a problem on top of the problem that initially led you to start doing that. In short, you become miserable.
Misery Becomes Your Emotional Compass
And that misery itself guides your behavior. When you’re miserable, you start doing “miserable” things…like skipping the gym, avoiding the people you love most, and doubling down on all your worst habits.
But it’s also a cue to you. It’s your compass. It tells you that something is seriously wrong. And when it’s deep enough, that misery is what kicks your butt to finally get you to change your behavior.
So you get back to the gym. You meal prep. You call your mom. You meditate. You check in with your therapist. You do all the right things.
And then eventually, you fall back into the old pattern of unhealthy habits, pressured living, and a loss of your purpose.
But misery has become your compass. So you don’t even really notice that you’ve returned to the dark side until you’re miserable again and it’s whacking you in the face again.
The Problem with Using Misery As Your Emotional Compass
The problem with using misery as your compass is that you don’t know if you’re headed down the right path until you’re miserable. Misery is the cue you’re looking for to make a change. As long as you’re not miserable, you conclude you’re fine. So you end up spending a lot of your life circling around misery…either in the midst of it or just a few steps out of it.
A Better Emotional Compass
So if misery isn’t a very useful emotional compass, what’s the alternative?
What do you imagine would happen if you used your emotional goal as your compass? What’s your emotional goal? Peace, contentment, fulfillment? What if you used those feelings as your compass? As long as you’re pursuing those feelings, you know you’re on the right path. If you’re not feeling those feelings, it’s a cue to make a change.
Do you see how this is different from using misery as your compass? A misery compass guides you toward misery or away from misery….but not necessarily toward happiness. Kinda like an Adele compass would guide you toward or away from ultra sad music but wouldn’t give you the slightest idea about how to get to (or more likely, avoid) Nickelback.
Recalibrate Your Emotional Compass to Guide You Toward Happiness
To get started with recalibrating your emotional compass, grab this PDF where I’ll walk you through a few key questions to ask yourself to get recalibrated.
By the way, this whole concept of your emotions guiding your behavior is the foundation of my free 5-part course on how to reverse your downward spiral. If you notice your feelings take over your behavior regularly, sign up for the course here and discover what makes that happen and how to reverse it.
Next week, we’re talking about why you keep repeating the same old patterns that make you anxious and overwhelmed. My clients sit in my office and laugh at themselves because they know what they’re doing is just making things worse…but they can’t stop it. I’ll tell you why this happens next week. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
P.S. If you skimmed, I see you 😉 You’re using misery to tell you when it’s time to make changes in your life. This kicks you into gear once in a while, but ultimately it just leads to misery. Change the compass and you can guide yourself to a different emotional place. Grab the PDF to recalibrate your compass. Next week: why you keep repeating the same old patterns that make you anxious and overwhelmed. Don’t miss it.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
