The Brain Science Behind Why You Keep Repeating Behaviors That Make You Stressed
Last week, we talked about how using an emotional compass that’s pointed toward misery leads to a life of…misery. When our misery is what tells us we need to make changes, we become reactive instead of proactive and spend a lot of our lives being miserable and then making short-lived changes to pull ourselves out of the misery…only to end up right back there a short while later.
Your Brain Is Wired to Keep You Stuck in Stress
That misery compass is part of what makes us repeat the same old patterns that make us anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed. As long as we’re not miserable, we just keep doing what we’ve always done.
But there’s another factor that makes us repeat the same old patterns. An old factor that’s hardwired into the human brain. It’s been there for thousands of years. And it’s a beast.
This factor makes us keep doing things we know lead us right back where we started.
Mental Sets
It’s called “mental set.” A mental set is a set of expectations that helps us solve problems. For example, figure out what letters come next in this sequence:
J F M A M J J A S O __ __
Did you figure out it was the months of the year? If you didn’t, don’t worry. Having solved that problem gives you certain expectations about the next problem, so this one will be easier. What letters come next in this sequence:
M T W T F __ __
Mental Sets Make Us Sensitive to Certain Types of Information
Our expectations make us sensitive to certain kinds of information. When we expect a food is going to taste bad, we’re more sensitive to unappetizing flavors. When we expect our boss is going to criticize us, we’re more sensitive to otherwise benign comments.
All our life experiences (childhood, relationship with parents, intimate relationships, friendships, academic success, etc.), our habits, and our culture all create the expectations that form our mental sets.
So, if you know that every single night I go to bed at 9pm, then when I ask you what will happen tonight, you should be able to predict that I’ll go to bed at 9pm based on the mental set you created knowing my habits. If you know that I had a bad experience once with a car wash, you might also be able to predict my behavior at a car wash.
Mental Sets Are Helpful for Responding to Our Feelings
This whole mental set business is helpful…that’s why our brains do it. It makes solving problems very efficient. It’s the same process that allowed you to solve fifteen 3rd-grade math word problems because you could see the similarlities between the different problems.
But Mental Sets Can Get In the Way of Good Responses
The problem comes in when we have some sort of false assumption or belief in our mental set that isn’t correct. Returning to the expectation that your boss is going to criticize you, that’s a helpful mental set if your boss is out of Horrible Bosses. But if your boss is just a regular boss that does a reasonable job of pairing constructive feedback with praise, then that mental set might get in your way. It might make you extra sensitive or timid, keep you from asserting yourself appropriately, or make you worry about your likeability.
Here’s How Mental Sets Make You Stay Stressed, Anxious, & Overwhelmed
Back to your stress level.
If you have an expectation (a mental set) that drinking a glass of wine will make you feel more relaxed, you’re more likely to have a glass (or two)…even if you know it’s not necessarily the best choice for you.
If you have an expectation (a mental set) that going to the gym will take too much energy and wipe you out, you’re more likely to skip it…even if you know that’s patently false.
This is why we keep repeating the same old patterns that make us anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed. We have expectations that those patterns “work” in some way…stress eating, skipping the gym, drinking wine, scrolling Instagram, snoozing, and isolating have all “worked” in the past by helping us avoid our feelings.
We know they don’t do anything to solve our problem or get us out of a rut, but they’ve made us feel a little bit better for a split second in time, so our mental set tells us they’re the “right” solution.
Your Brain is Wired to See Only One Solution to a Problem
See, our brains tend to see problems in a single way, especially if seeing the problem in that way has been successful before. Here’s a classic example to try out:
Arrange these 6 matchsticks to form 4 equilateral triangles.
Download the free PDF to see the solution if you’re stumped.
Our brains are designed to see this problem, and to use these matchsticks, in a particular way.
When you’re not sure how to solve a problem, you will use the same strategy you’ve always used. In this case, you trial-and-error all the different types of two-dimensional arrangements you can think of with these matchsticks.
This shortcut is usually helpful because usually the solutions that have worked in the past will work in the future. But this mindset can keep us locked up and make us keep using a solution we’ve used in the past, even if we know it’s not helpful.
That’s why we keep reaching for the wine every night, why we keep scrolling Instagram, why we hit that snooze button one more time. That solution has “worked” in terms of reducing immediate stress and anxiety.
We know it’s not a good long-term solution, but our brains get stuck and can’t think of anything else to do. They just keep beating that same dead horse, banging that same head against the wall.
Grab the PDF to see the solution to the matchstick problem and to find my recommendation about what to do about your mental set getting in your way.
Next week, I’ve got a secret for getting your life actually balanced. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
P.S. Summary: A psychology phenomenon called “mental set” is what makes us repeat the same unhealthy, unhelpful behavior patterns we’ve always used. It keeps us stuck in a state of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. Grab the PDF to work through it.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
