15 Coping Mechanisms That Are Keeping You Stuck
Hey, we’re all doing our absolute best to just get from day to day and from week to week.
And over the years, we develop coping mechanisms to help us do just that.
Sure, not all of those coping mechanisms are healthy, and we know it.
Of course smoking and drinking and spending too much are helping us feel “better,” and we know they’re not actually fixing the problem.
But today, we’re diving deep into 15 coping mechanisms that you might not even realize are keeping you stuck. Have you adopted any of these habits?
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 1
Acting like a child...or acting like a dictator
A lot of the items on this list are going to be extremes, like this one.
Both ends of this extreme, from acting like a child to acting like a dictator, are habits that will keep us stuck.
When we act like a child, we pout and throw a pity party when things don’t go our way instead of rising to the task and learning how to solve our own problems and advocate for ourselves.
And when we act like a dictator, the opposite unhealthy pattern happens: we demand that things go our way instead of learning how to assertively communicate with others.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 2
Insisting on doing everything yourself...or needing others to take responsibility for everything in your life
Another extreme.
Either end of this spectrum can keep you stuck.
If you avoid asking for help and insist on doing everything yourself, you limit what you can get done in your life and put yourself at risk for creating unnecessary stress, which can trigger anxiety and lead you down a path to developing panic attacks.
And if you are so dependent on others that you don’t take responsibility for the major areas of your life, you risk developing a pattern of submissive and clingy behaviors.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 3
Avoiding confrontation altogether...or provoking others unnecessarily
Confrontation can be scary: We fear we’ll be misunderstood or that others will become so angry with us that we get voted off the island.
But problems never get resolved, resentment builds up, and we end up carrying around a pretty heavy burden.
But the opposite is also problematic.
Some people don’t mind ruffling feathers and have difficulty picking their battles.
They can start pushing people’s buttons over things that are really quite minor and create strife that’s really unnecessary.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 4
Avoiding intimacy...or seeking intimacy in inappropriate places
This includes intimacy with others and with yourself…and it includes sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy.
When we avoid intimacy altogether, our relationships end up being pretty superficial and we get stuck in a pattern of feeling damaged, isolated, and lonely.
So sometimes people will exist on the other extreme and seek intimacy in inappropriate places — this can look like promiscuity or only opening up with people who are emotionally unavailable.
The result there is that we get stuck in the belief that people only like us because they don’t really know us or they only like us for what we give them.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 5
Avoiding negative emotions...or displaying erratic, intense emotions
The truth is that any time you see the words “avoid” or “escape,” you can pretty much guarantee whatever it’s talking about is an unhealthy strategy.
Avoidance is the enemy of freedom and will keep you stuck in a pattern of stress, anxiety, and depression.
Avoiding negative feelings teaches our brain that feelings are bad for us (which isn’t true) and causes us to adopt all sorts of bad habits to keep those feelings away — insert: carb-loading, wine, and Amazon.
But the other end will also keep us stuck. When our feelings are just running amok, we can’t focus on how to channel them in a productive way.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 6
Avoiding situations that make you feel uncomfortable
This is one of the single most common and single worst things we can do.
This coping mechanism is grounded in trying to avoid negative emotions (see coping mechanism #5)…if something makes you uncomfortable, of course you don’t want to do it.
In the regular world, this is totally reasonable — that chair is uncomfortable, sit in a different one; those pants are too tight in the crotch, don’t wear them; those heels are too tall, swap them for flats.
But being physically uncomfortable is totally different than being emotionally uncomfortable, at least in terms of how stuck we get when we avoid the discomfort.
Every time your anxiety or depression talks you into avoiding something that makes you feel emotionally uncomfortable, the anxiety and depression get a little bit stronger.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 7
Being overly responsible...or avoiding responsibility
Of course being responsible is a good thing! But this is one of those things that in the extreme just keeps us stuck and perpetuates anxiety and depression.
Being overly responsible means we take on “stuff” that isn’t ours…we take care of other people’s needs at the expense of our own, we do jobs assigned to other people and overextend ourselves, we overcommit and don’t allow ourselves a break.
But the other end is problematic, too. Avoiding responsibility means we fail to take care of our own needs, we don’t do the jobs that have been assigned to us, and we don’t challenge ourselves enough. Often this comes from a fear of failure or a lack of confidence that keeps us from engaging.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 8
Comparing yourself negatively to others...or not being aware of your weaknesses
Ah…comparison gets the best of all of us from time to time.
When we compare ourselves negatively to others, we focus on our faults and limitations and can feel so defeated and overwhelmed that we are paralyzed and never learn the skills or set up the opportunities to better ourselves.
But the opposite can get us stuck, too. When we lack an understanding of our weaknesses, we can develop an inflated sense of self-importance that interferes with self-improvement.
Either way, we end up stuck right where we are.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 9
Hanging on to guilt...or ignoring that you’ve hurt others
In coping mechanism #5, we talked about how avoiding negative emotions can keep you stuck. This coping mechanism is a special case of this.
Hanging on to guilt and not forgiving ourselves for mistakes we’ve made or faults we have means we can’t really learn how to correct those mistakes or faults. We just keep punishing ourselves but don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to grow and change.
But of course ignoring that you’ve hurt others will damage relationships in a hurry and leave you vulnerable and lonely (and probably angry and bitter).
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 10
Isolating...or never being alone
Often we isolate because we’re trying to avoid something — confrontation (#3), intimacy (#4), negative feelings (#5), uncomfortable situations (#6), etc.
But by isolating, we don’t give ourselves and our brains the opportunity to learn the healthier coping mechanisms that can actually get us unstuck.
Without those skills, we just stay stuck.
Interestingly, never being alone is just another form of avoidance.
By staying around people all the time, we avoid being alone with our own thoughts and feelings (that’s avoiding intimacy with yourself, #4) and save ourselves from having to figure out things on our own. Result: Stay stuck.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 11
Obsessing about the past...or not learning from your mistakes
This is similar to hanging on to guilt (#9).
We sometimes are so focused on reviewing the past that we get stuck there and can’t live in the present or plan for the future.
This looks like trying to figure out what moment in our childhood is responsible for screwing us up, replaying decisions we regret, and wondering how our lives would have turned out differently if we’d just turned a different direction.
The problem is that obsessing without taking action just leaves us stuck.
But going too far in the other direction isn’t necessarily helpful either.
If we never look back, we can’t learn from our mistakes and figure out how to tweak our approach to be more effective moving forward.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 12
Seeking recognition...or avoiding attention
Who doesn’t like a little validation every now and then? A pat on the back…a little “employee of the month” action…a “you’re the best” every now and then.
But doing things for the sole purpose of securing that recognition is dangerous for our sense of self-worth, which can very quickly become attached to validation and recognition.
On the other hand, avoiding attention can keep us stuck, too, for the same reason that avoiding anything keeps us stuck (see basically all the other coping mechanisms on this list…). When we avoid attention and recognition, we’re telling ourselves that we don’t deserve it, and depriving ourselves of the opportunity to test that belief out keeps us stuck.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 13
Spending an inordinate amount of time in bed...or not sleeping enough
Spending too much time in bed is a form of avoidance…usually we do it because we’re avoiding uncomfortable feelings or uncomfortable situations.
But staying in bed means we don’t get the opportunity to learn new skills to make those situations less uncomfortable in the future and we don’t have experiences that will let those uncomfortable feelings resolve themselves.
But not sleeping enough usually means we’re staying up late doing unhealthy things…like #2, #7, or #12.
Not sleeping enough just perpetuates the problem by taking away the opportunity to learn to prioritize better. \
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 14
Perfectionism...or purposely appearing incompetent or helpless
I talk a lot about perfectionism…in part because a lot of you that read my articles are a bit on the perfectionist side (Wondering if you might be? Take my quiz!).
Trying to be perfect helps us cope with the thought that we’re not good enough and makes us feel more in control of our lives (it’s an illusion, by the way).
But we stay stuck because we become dependent on perfectionistic behaviors to manage the anxiety associated with the thought that we’re not good enough.
Some people swing the opposite way, though, and instead of becoming perfectionistic, they purposely try to appear incompetent or helpless.
This is often also a strategy to cope with the thought that we’re not good enough — if I don’t try, then I can’t really conclude that failure is my fault.
Again, though, this pattern keeps us stuck in that pattern of assuming we’re not good enough to try.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Unhealthy Coping Mechanism 15
Being controlling...or being submissive
Trying to control situations is often a way of managing feelings — we feel uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we take control of situations in an attempt to minimize uncertainty.
But the truth is that we rarely actually have control over what happens in life…we just think we can control outcomes with plans and demands.
This pattern keeps us stuck because we miss out on the opportunity to learn that we can cope with uncertainty and solve problems on the fly.
Being submissive is equally problematic.
By being submissive, we’re telling ourselves that we’re not competent or capable enough to cope with uncertainty and solve unexpected problems.
We’re telling ourselves that we can’t be trusted to make decisions in life.
As long as we stay submissive, we stay stuck with that thought process.
For the antidote and how to get unstuck from this unhealthy coping mechanism, grab this PDF.
Change The Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms Into Healthy Coping Mechanisms
None of these coping mechanisms is problematic in moderation or isolation.
And that’s sort of the point: Most things are good in moderation and problematic in the extremes.
For many of these coping mechanisms, being on either end of the spectrum keeps us stuck, and learning how to exist in the middle area is the key to getting unstuck.
For those of you who are anxious around people or in social situations (me!), you’ve probably adopted some of these coping mechanisms…and that might be what’s keeping that social anxiety alive.
I see a lot of confusion on the internet about the difference between being introverted and being socially anxious…they can both prefer to keep other people at a distance, but for different reasons.
Next week, I’ll break it down for you and tell you 4 key differences between social anxiety and introversion so you’ll know which is your deal and how to deal with it.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
