Recently, we’ve been diving deep into natural strategies to manage your anxiety — I brought you 3 mindfulness exercises to change your relationship to your anxiety and gave you all the details on weighted blankets for anxiety.  Today, it’s time to address that inner critic.  

When I listen to my clients in therapy sessions, self-criticism is rampant.  Everyone uses their own words, but the theme is, “I’m not good enough.”  When we let our brains hear those thoughts over and over for years and years, they start to feel true, even if they’re not entirely true.  

If you’re looking around at others who are kind to themselves — even when they make mistakes — and you’re envious, it’s time to start developing strategies for retraining your brain and silencing your inner critic.  

Today, I’m reviving a previous article with 6 proven strategies to silence your inner critic.  If you get to the end and you’re dying for even more strategies, grab my workbook with a simple 4-step process to silence your inner critic.  Like everything I write, it’s full of evidence-based, proven strategies to finally start overcoming your self-criticism.  I’ll walk you step-by-step from self-criticism to self-acceptance.  But before you start the workbook, try some of these strategies.   

HOW TO SILENCE YOUR INNER CRITIC

1.  Replace “good” with “good-ish.”

This strategy is especially helpful when we make a mistake or we think we’re not measuring up to our own standards.  Our brains like discrete categories — good/bad, right/wrong, smart/dumb, pretty/ugly, etc.  When we make a mistake, we can very quickly jump from thinking we were “good” at something to thinking we’re “bad” at it.  For example, you’re 5 minutes late picking your kid up from soccer practice and suddenly you’re a “bad” mom.  Or you found a typo in an email you sent to your boss and suddenly you’re “stupid.”  Instead of going all the way to “bad,” try “good-ish” instead. 

• I’m a “good-ish” mom,
• I’m“good-ish” at finding typos,
• I’m a “good-ish” friend,
• I’m a “good-ish” housekeeper,
• I’m “good-ish” at returning phone calls. 

This rephrasing allows us to make mistakes and still acknowledge the ways we’re meeting our own standards and expectations.  

2.  When you’re calling yourself names or saying mean things to yourself, replace “I” with “He/She.”

For example,

• “I can’t do anything right” → “She can’t do anything right.” 
• “I’m a total screw-up” → “He’s a total screw-up.” 

Most of the time, we recognize right away that those second thoughts are things we’d never say about another person.  What’s so special about you that you should talk to yourself differently than you’d talk to someone else?  If you’re not special, then talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to anyone else.  Toss out the mean language.  

3.  When you make a mistake or have a “bad” experience, think about what you’ve learned from it.

• “Being laid-off from my first job is when I first learned how to handle a major professional setback.” 
• “Getting criticized in front of my coworkers is when I learned how to be my own cheerleader.” 
• “Making that typo is when I learned to proofread my emails.”
• “Forgetting the kid at soccer practice is when I learned to add more cushion in my schedule.”  

This strategy helps us recognize that even mistakes are beneficial in some way — we learn a lesson, we acquire new skills, or we gain a different perspective.  When you can appreciate mistakes as opportunities to have learned something, it takes some of the edge off the mistake.  

4.  Write down what you did well (or “well-ish”) in this particular situation and what you do well in general.

When our inner critic is triggered, we automatically start focusing on all our weaknesses and mistakes.  Your brain is wired a lot like a map — similar memories are closer together than dissimilar memories.  So, mistakes are wired closely to other mistakes, making them easier to remember.  Just like it takes a little longer to get to a destination that’s farther away on a map, it’s a little bit harder to access memories that are different from the experiences you’re having in this moment.  Harder, but not impossible.  

Take a few moments to deliberately consider what went well (or “well-ish”) in this situation and in life more generally.  Sometimes my clients are concerned that if they don’t criticize themselves for their mistakes that they’ll just keep repeating the mistakes.  Consider this: Is it the criticism that helps you prevent the next mistake, or is it the changes that you make based on what you learned from the mistake?  In other words, does calling yourself “stupid” help you remember to pick up your kid next time, or is it watching the clock and setting an alarm that helps?  The goal here isn’t to just ignore a mistake and not learn anything.  No!  We need to learn those lessons.  The goal here is to balance the critical thoughts with reminders about our strengths.  

5.  Reflect on what your core values are.

Google “core values list,” pick out the three that are most important to you, and reflect on how you’re doing in those areas.  Often, the thing we’re upset about isn’t really related to the things that are the most important to us, so this strategy helps put it all in perspective.  If you’re worried a stranger at the grocery store is gonna think you look weird, consider whether that person’s opinion is one of your core values.  How does that particular person’s opinion compare to your health, your children’s welfare, philanthropy, your religion, etc.  If that person isn’t on your list of core values, refocus on what actually matters to you.  

6.  Shift your focus from how this task benefits you to how it benefits the greater good.

This is especially useful for when your inner critic is already on your case before you’ve even started.  It sounds like,

• “You’re gonna make a fool of yourself.” 
• “People are gonna see right through you.” 
• “This is gonna be a disaster.” 

Those types of thoughts focus on how the situation or task affects you – your self-esteem, how you’re perceived by others, etc. 

Refocus on how the situation or task affects people in general.  For example,

• Asking for a raise from your boss benefits you by hopefully getting you more money, but it benefits the greater good by reducing the gender wage gap or moving the market in a direction in which people in your profession are more fairly compensated. 
• Giving this presentation benefits you by contributing to your professional portfolio or enhancing your grade in the class, but it benefits the greater good by sharing knowledge with the people at the presentation. 

That refocus helps us get out of our heads and realize these situations are as much about other people as they are about ourselves, and we tend to be much more tolerant of mistakes and imperfections when we’re contributing to others.   

TOXIC SELF-CRITICISM WORKBOOK

If this was helpful to you, you know what would be even more helpful?  A step-by-step workbook walking you through even more proven strategies to silence your inner critic.  In this workbook, I’ll bring you activities and exercises to help you recognize your critic and demolish it.  Dive into 11 different activities to quiet that inner critic.

Next week, I’ve got tips for how to choose the right therapist.  If you’ve been wanting to go to therapy, but you’re scared to take the plunge, I’ve got 8 things to look for in your next therapist.  Don’t miss it.

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.