Do you ever have the experience where you know objectively you’re pretty good at something, but you still don’t feel confident? Maybe it’s related to imposter syndrome or another type of anxiety or maybe to depression. This post is a reboot of an article I wrote two years ago with new resources and tips. Here are five ways to start believing in yourself.
How to Enhance Self-Confidence
Even though it seems like everyone else has got it all together, self-confidence is something most of us struggle with on a daily basis. Low self-confidence fuels perfectionism, depression, and a host of other mental health problems.
There isn’t really a one-time “cure” or “hack” or “quick fix” that raises self-confidence and keeps it elevated permanently. Like lipstick, deodorant, nail polish, and a good attitude, self-confidence is something you have to reapply often. But here are some practical strategies to enhance self-confidence.
1. Keep a Positive Qualities Journal
Keep a journal of your positive qualities.
What do you like about yourself? What do others value about you? What challenges have you faced and overcome? What do you value about your friends – and how do you share those values? What bad things aren’t you (hello: serial killer? rapist? pimp?) What skills have you developed through your education and experience? What did you do today that was positive?
If you’re struggling with self-confidence, you may find yourself judging the positive qualities you identify. You might judge them as too small or insignificant or find other way to tell yourself they just don’t count. You might also find yourself comparing these qualities to someone else. Maybe you can admit that you’re pretty good at arranging flowers, but have you seen Susan’s arrangements???
Challenge yourself to write in the journal despite these doubts and judgments.
2. Challenge Your Self-Defeating Thoughts
You know how attorneys can argue for just about anything? When you identify unhelpful thoughts that keep your self-confidence down (think: bad names you call yourself, reminders of all the mistakes you’ve ever made ever), it can be helpful to then try to be the attorney on the other side of the courtroom and make the opposite argument. Instead of trying to argue that you’re lazy, try to argue that you’re really industrious and hard-working. Grab the worksheet from this article to teach yourself how to argue against your own self-defeating thoughts. It’ll walk you step-by-step through exactly what to do to overturn your self-defeating thoughts and start believing in yourself.
3. Stop Overthinking Your Self-Defeating Thoughts
Negative self-evaluations are death for self-confidence, and we’ve got to challenge those ideas.
This tip is very similar to #2 above, but this one is not just about developing evidence to the contrary, it’s a much more thorough approach to debunking some of the terrible things we say to ourselves and call ourselves from day to day. When you’ve got self-defeating thoughts that are really stuck in your head and it seems impossible to shake them loose, grab the worksheet from this article to teach yourself how to stop overthinking and loosen the grip on the self-defeating thoughts that are holding you back. In that article, learn how to go from
Self-Defeating: “If I don’t do as well as others, I’m a failure.”
to
Believing In Yourself: “If I don’t do as well as others, I’m not a failure, just human.”
Self-Defeating: “If I fail at work/school, I’m a failure as a person.”
to
Believing In Yourself: “If I fail at work/school, it’s not a reflection of my whole self. My whole self includes how I am as a friend, daughter, sister, relative, citizen, community member, etc., and my qualities of kindness, sensitivity to others, helpfulness, etc. Also, failure is not a permanent condition.”
*these examples from Judith S. Beck’s Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond.
4. Build Up Your Assertiveness Skills
Sometimes our self-confidence tanks because we’ve just got way too much on our plate. We start to think we’re the problem — we’re not smart enough, we’re not efficient enough, we’re not working hard enough. We don’t really entertain the idea that the problem might actually be that it’s a superhuman amount on our plate. Assertiveness is not aggression. It’s halfway between being a bully and a doormat. It’s that space where you can ask for what you reasonably need from people, eventually without guilt or discomfort. When our needs are being met in a way that balances how we’re meeting other people’s needs, then our self-confidence grows. If you find yourself taking on too much and having a hard time saying “no,” I strongly recommend this workbook to build assertiveness.
5. Act Like You Already Believe In Yourself
Seriously. Instead of wearing sweatpants to Target, put your jeans on. Iron your shirt (or at least use some of that wrinkle release spray…it’ll change your life) before you go to work. Put your shoulders back and head up when you walk in the door. Look people in the eye. Ask for what you need.
Look around you at what other people, people you assume feel self-confident, are doing. Emulate that.
Research and experience tells us that our feelings make us behave in certain ways (when we’re feeling sad, we grab extra cookies), but brain science also tells us the opposite is true: Our behavior also affects our feelings. When we smile, we literally feel happier. When we frown, we feel angrier or sadder. And when we act confident, we suddenly begin to feel more confident. Of all the tips, this is the quickest to implement and is perhaps the most effective. But, like pancake syrup, queso dip, and Nutella, if you don’t reapply often, you’re gonna be stuck with something that’s dissatisfying and unfulfilling.
Up Next: Mindfulness Helps Build Self-Confidence
Learning to start believing in yourself requires awareness of your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. Often those thoughts and behaviors are so habitual that we don’t even notice them. A great way to start catching them in the moment and replacing them with more helpful thoughts and behaviors is to build up your mindfulness skills. Next week, I’ve got an article all about mindfulness, including the basics, resources to practice, and how it affects your health. If you’ve been curious about getting your feet wet with mindfulness, you don’t want to miss it.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Dr. Hayden Finch is a licensed psychologist providing therapy in Iowa & Arkansas dedicated to bringing you evidence-based strategies to master your mental health.
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