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Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared with you some of the content that didn’t end up in the final version of my book The Psychology of Procrastination. If you’re anything like me, the deleted scenes from TV shows and movies are always my favorite part. So, this series of articles is inspired by the deleted scenes from TV and film.
Together, we’ve looked at the deleted content about how to prioritize your tasks, how to get motivated, how to get started, and how to stay focused. Today, one of the most important skills of all: how to overcome avoidance. You might not even realize how important this is, so first I’ll explain why it’s important and then I’ll give you several strategies for overcoming avoidance that didn’t make it into the final book.
For all the details and my very best strategies, though, make sure you grab the full text.
What Avoidance Has to Do with Procrastination
I spend a lot of time in The Psychology of Procrastination diving into the emotional roadblocks that trap you in cycles of procrastination. One of the core issues that perpetuates procrastination is emotional avoidance. Here’s what that means. Humans prefer feeling good (or neutral) over feeling bad. Pretty simple. This means that if we need to do a task and it feels bad (or unpleasant or tedious or boring), we’d rather do something else (anything else) that feels less bad. As long as we’re stuck in the cycle of avoiding unpleasant feelings, we’ll continue to procrastinate. Overcoming procrastination requires that we sometimes face the reality that certain tasks are just unpleasant. Here are a couple of strategies for doing that. Remember, the very best strategies are included in The Psychology of Procrastination, along with tons more detail about why we avoid feelings and how to actually build a better relatinoship with our feelings, so make sure you grab the book for all the details. Here’s a little taste to get you started, though.
How to Overcome Avoidance: Build Your Basic Skills
One reason we avoid certain tasks is because we’re not confident about our ability to do them. So you might avoid confronting your friend about ghosting you if you’re not confident in your ability to manage conflict. Or you might avoid asking for help if you’re not confident in your assertiveness skills. If you notice that your avoidance comes from a lack of confidence in a certain skill set, work to build up those skills either by doing independent research or seeking professional services.
Determining the skills that are needed for a task and then learning those skills over time can help you feel more confident about doing the task itself. But building confidence with something often comes from allowing ourselves to make mistakes. So, we have to be willing to give ourselves the time and grace to make mistakes in order to build confidence. Once we have the confidence that we have the basic skills necessary to complete a task, then the avoidance of the task itself will decrease.
How to Overcome Avoidance: Set Time Limits
Certain tasks can feel overwhelming because of how uncomfortable we think they’ll be, which makes us concerned that we’ll feel uncomfortable for too long if we try to do the tasks. Other tasks can feel overwhelming because of how long we think they’ll take, which makes us worry that we’ll miss out on more enjoyable things because we ran out of time for fun.
If similar concerns are contributing to your avoiding tasks, try setting a time limit for the task. Maybe you’ve got a presentation you need to put together. You’ve been avoiding it because it’s a massive project and it’s massively important – your annual review is based largely on this project. Understandably, you’re procrastinating. To help yourself approach the task, set a time limit. Commit to working on the project for just 30 minutes. If it’s uncomfortable to work on the task, you’ll know that the discomfort will only last for 30 minutes. And if you’ve got other things you’d prefer to do, you’ll know that you’ll be able to get to them after just 30 minutes of work. Making the time limit manageable can help us approach tasks we’d otherwise avoid.
How to Overcome Avoidance: Follow Albert Ellis’s 7-Step Procedure for Resolving Indecisiveness
Decisions are one of the things people avoid most, especially people with anxiety. They put a lot of pressure on themselves to make the “right” or “best” decision, and that pressure can be paralyzing. Dr. Albert Ellis is an influential historical psychologist who developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in the mid-twentieth century. This 7-step strategy for resolving indecisiveness comes from that treatment. So if you’re stuck in indecisiveness and are avoiding making decisions, follow these seven steps.
- Identify your preferences. Before deciding a course of action, consider what your preferences are. Maybe you’re trying to decide where to go to college. Consider your preferences regarding type of learning environment, number of students, location, available courses of study, etc.
- Make a list of the possible decisions you could make that would align with your preferences. This is where you’d list the universities that best fit with your preferences, but you could also list other educational options as well (e.g., community college, trade school, on-the-job training).
- Appreciate that a decision and a nondecision are both options to consider. Both have consequences, so consider the effects of doing nothing. Maybe you can have an equally meaningful or productive career without going to college, for example. Sometimes maintaining our current situation is legitimately the best option, and sometimes it’s not, so consider both. However, if you are choosing to maintain the status quo, ensure that doing so is an active decision you’re making rather than a consequence of never choosing.
- Examine your emotional response. Growth is inherently uncomfortable, so be prepared that you may feel uncomfortable with a decision (or a nondecision) that is challenging you. However, it’s also important to consider that a mismatch between a decision and your values or preferences can also be uncomfortable. Typically, we’re able to distinguish between the discomfort that stems from fear of challenge versus the discomfort that stems from doing something that is misaligned with our values. So review your list of decision options and consider which are most aligned with your preferences and values. I talk more about how to define your values in The Psychology of Procrastination.
- Identify the consequences of each decision (and nondecision) option. Are the time, effort, challenge, or other resources required to make the decision worth it? Maybe a top-tier university would give you a leg up when you graduate, but you may need to consider whether it’s worth the financial investment or the competitiveness to get that professional advantage.
- Take action. Based on your evaluation of your preferences, your options, your emotions, and the consequences, choose a course of action.
- Choose to be content with the decision you’ve made. One of the factors that perpetuates indecisiveness is a fear of making the “wrong” choice or regretting our decisions later. Accept that you have less information right now than you’ll have in the future. Remember the decision you’re making now is the one that is best given the available information. Hindsight may make you wonder whether a different decision would have been better, but prepare to practice self-compassion as you recognize that you made a thoughtful decision with limited information.
How to Overcome Avoidance: Feel Your Feelings
By now, hopefully you’ve gotten the message that your ability to manage your feelings is directly related to your ability to overcome procrastination. One of the most important steps to overcoming avoidance-related procrastination is to build a really good relationship with your feelings. We often treat our feelings like they’re dangerous. We work so hard to get rid of them that we trick our brains into thinking they’re harmful. But this is not only incorrect, it’s counterproductive.
One way to start having a healthier relationship with your feelings is to start feeling them. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Fully engage with them as they come. And then allow them to go.
Here’s how it works. Say you’ve noticed you’ve been drinking a glass of wine every night to “wind down,” and you want to get out of that habit. On the first night without wine, allow yourself to feel the discomfort. Notice yourself feeling agitated, exasperated, exhausted, anxious, stressed, unsettled, tense, and uneasy. Maybe you even feel desperate for a glass of wine. Notice those feelings bubble up, and notice the craving for a glass of wine. Fully engage with the feelings. And then watch what happens as you feel them.
It’s a lot like an itchy mosquito bite: As you observe, you’ll notice the itchiness increasing to a nearly painful level and then gradually, as you wait, the itchiness subsides until it disappears. But it only disappears if you don’t scratch. The same will happen with your discomfort: It will increase and then gradually subside, but only if you allow it to run its course.
How to Overcome Avoidance: Challenge Your Fears
Another strategy to overcome avoidance is to gradually face the things you’re avoiding. The more we avoid something, the more convinced our brains become that what we’re avoiding is dangerous, and the more anxiety our brains generate about that thing. That’s why if you avoid telling your friend that you’re bothered when he’s constantly late, the conversation gets harder and harder to have. The more we avoid things, the harder they will become. That means we have to start gradually facing the things we’re avoiding in order for them to ever become easier. It follows, then, that we have to do things even though they make us uncomfortable, and we have to stay in the situation until that discomfort goes away. Going through this process allows us to gradually show ourselves that we can cope with the feelings.
This same process also helps with indecisiveness, by the way. Often, the decision that’s scariest is the one that will help us grow most. When we can challenge ourselves to face the fear of making a decision, we can free ourselves up to flourish.
Put This Psychology Skill Into Action
These are the skills that ended up being cut from the book — but they’re still really important and useful…some of them were just cut because they’re too long! If you can challenge yourself to engage in tasks even though they’re uncomfortable and undo the habit of avoiding discomfort, you will have a much easier path to overcoming procrastination. This part of overcoming procrastination is especially difficult, so if you’re looking for a little more guidance on how to overcome avoidance, the full book includes 8 strategies I thought were even better than these. Grab the e-book or the hard copy here. Also, since overcoming procrastination is all about establishing good habits, consider grabbing my guided journal to help you change your habits. It’s called Habits: A 12-Week Journal to Change Your Habits, Track Your Progress, and Achieve Your Goals.
How to Follow Through
Once you’ve overcome the emotional hurdle of getting started with tasks, it’s time to follow through and actually complete them. Next week, I’ll share with you a couple of strategies for following through that didn’t make it into the final publication. Don’t miss it. If you’re excited to see the best strategies ahead of time, go ahead and grab the full text here.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Dr. Hayden Finch is a licensed psychologist providing therapy in Iowa & Arkansas dedicated to bringing you evidence-based strategies to master your mental health.
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Disclosure: Some links to products may be affiliate links, meaning, at no extra cost to you, I’ll earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thanks for your support!
