By HAYDEN FINCH, PhD
Most people don’t like confrontation, and if you struggle with anxiety, then this is probably especially true. You’d rather be majorly inconvenienced than ever dare mention to someone that you’re bothered by their behavior. It would take a lot for you to speak up. But sometimes you might get annoyed with yourself for tolerating so much from people, and your friends might push you to confront your boss/boyfriend/mom for the way they’re treating you. At some point, speaking up becomes necessary.
We think people will be mad or stop being friends with us if we say something. But actually when people test it out, they often find the people in their lives actually value being told they’re being annoying — it lets them know you care about them enough to problem-solve issues in the relationship. Also, in general, we want to be able to contribute to our relationships, and when our friends give us the opportunity to do something nice for them (like supporting their thoughts and feelings), it builds us up. So in that sense, when you speak up to your friends or family, you might actually be strengthening the relationship and strengthening their ego.
Here are some tips for navigating conflict, straight to you from Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
1. Acknowledge that you feel nervous and just go ahead and acknowledge nervousness is an expected emotion when speaking up for your feelings. It’s okay to feel nervous — it lets the person you’re talking to know you really care about them and their feelings. It’s okay to even tell them you feel nervous and why you’re nervous. That will tickle their compassion bone and start the conversation off on a more productive path.
2. Now it’s time to plan what you’re going to say. This skill comes from DBT and is a really useful formula for planning out how to ask for what you’re needing in a way that is most likely to be well received.
Step 1
D: Describe the situation
“I received my internet bill in the mail yesterday and I noticed the balance is higher than usual.”
“When I came home from work today, I noticed you kept watching television when I was trying to talk to you.”
Step 2
E: Express how you feel about the situation.
“I’m confused about why the bill is different than usual.”
“I felt ignored and unimportant.”
Step 3
A: Assert what you want in the situation.
“I’m hoping you can explain what changed and help me correct any problems with the bill.”
“It’s important to me that we reconnect at the end of the day and talk to each other for a few minutes.”
Step 4
R: Reinforce the person and give them a reason to give you what you want.
“I’d really appreciate your help so I can keep using this internet company.”
“If I had a chance to connect to you when I get home, I would be in a better mood and I think we’d argue less and have a better evening.”
Finally, remember even when you use your skills perfectly, you can’t always control the outcome of a situation. This skill increases the likelihood that whomever you are confronting will take your thoughts and needs seriously, but some people will still become very angry and fly off the handle. If that happens, then see my post about how to remain calm in an argument for some tips on how to navigate that situation. Hopefully, though, this skill will get things started on the right foot.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD,
is a practicing psychologist
in Des Moines, Iowa.
