A Message for When You're Feeling Like a Total Failure
Who doesn’t want to be more perfect? To dress nicer, look nicer, be nicer? We worry that our imperfections and our mistakes will not only hold us back from living the lives we want, but we also worry our flaws and blunders will negatively impact the people around us.
We Worry We're Damaging People with Our Flaws
We worry that we won’t be able to do a project well enough, so we procrastinate. Then we worry that both our inability to do the project well enough and our procrastination will negatively impact our coworkers.
We want our children to grow up and be respectful, fully functioning adults, so we correct them when they make errors. But we worry that by correcting too much, we’re making them anxious and scared to try.
We want to please our spouses, so we ask for reassurance that the meal we’ve prepared tastes good, that we look okay in our clothes, that our home is tidy enough. But we worry that the constant questioning and the compliment-seeking is annoying our spouses and causing extra problems.
We believe that if we can just be perfect enough, we’ll not only be better, but the people around us will be better off, too.
What If Your Flaws Are Exactly What People Need??
But consider this.
What if…what if this is exactly the mom/friend/wife/person you’re supposed to be, meant to be, needed to be?
What if this version of you…this flawed, sometimes impatient, sometimes critical mom is exactly the mom your kids need? What if instead of a perfect mom they need a mom who shows them how to make mistakes and how to recover from them?
What if instead of a perfect wife, your husband needs a wife who makes a home environment where it’s okay to be yourself?
What if the people you love most need your imperfections? What if the imperfections are what actually make you great?
It's Possible to be Flawed & Perfect at the Same Time
Hear me. I’m not saying you should just give up on your personal growth goals. No, growth is good…growth is something we need. But I am saying it’s possible that both of these are true at the same time – at the same time that you and the people you love will benefit from growth, you are also exactly who you are supposed to be and exactly who your loved ones need in this moment.
I anticipate your brain has a hard time computing that…how can I be exactly right and need to change at the same time? But it’s possible to have both at the same time just like it’s possible to be happy with your body (theoretically 
) at the same time you have weight loss goals. It’s possible to be proud of the dad/wife/friend you are at the same time you have goals to improve.
Personal Growth Starts with Self-Talk
Personal growth really starts with how we talk to ourselves and our relationship to our feelings, especially our relationship to our perfectionistic anxiety. If you’re noticing that you’re not so kind to yourself or if it’s hard for you to accept yourself for the person you are, try starting with my free 5-part course. It’ll show you the three components that keep us stuck and how to reverse them to get unstuck. Join here.
Next week, I’ve got an approach to help you become the person you want to be. In the meantime, give it some thought. What adjectives or emotion words would you connect to the person you want to be? Impatient? Demanding? Resistant? Probably not. Give it some thought and come back next week for an approach to help you become that person. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
P.S. If you skipped to the end, that’s cool…I’m a skimmer, too. You want to be better – ideally, you want to be perfect. You worry that your imperfections are harming the people around you. But what if you are exactly the person the people around you need?
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
