Is it just me? Sometimes when I achieve something I’ve worked really hard for, I don’t experience the joy or enthusiasm I’d expect. I experience relief.
Chances are, you’ve experienced this, too. Maybe you worked really hard on a school or work project, turned it in, and got great feedback. But instead of feeling proud, you feel like you dodged a bullet. Or maybe you interviewed for a prestigious opportunity and you actually got the offer! But instead of feeling elated, you feel like you lucked out. Or maybe you made a new friend that you really connect with. But instead of feeling excited about this new relationship, you feel apprehensive that once they really get to know you, they won’t like you anymore.
In fact, this doesn’t happen for everyone. You probably know people who have no issue tooting their own horn or sharing about their successes. But you don’t relate to that. Here’s the reason we feel relief instead of joy.
Relief implies we escaped from something bad.
- We’re nearly in a car accident but nothing happens ➡️ Relief.
- We forgot about an important meeting but it was cancelled anyways ➡️Relief.
- We thought that weird mole was cancerous but the doctor says it’s fine ➡️ Relief.
When we set unrelenting, unreasonable, or excessive standards for ourselves, we can have two outcomes.
- If we don’t achieve the standard, we berate ourselves for being too “lazy,” “dumb,” or “irresponsible” to reach our expectations. That obviously sucks.
- But if we somehow miraculously do achieve that standard, we don’t feel joy. We feel relief because we escaped that self-criticism. Our brains tell us we haven’t achieved something great, we’ve just escaped something bad.
If you can relate to this, I’ve got six proven ways to change this pattern next week. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, focused on helping you master your mental health.
