Last week, I brought you strategies for remaining calm in argument. I hope you picked a few to begin practicing. Here are a few more ideas to help you keep the peace at home during the holiday season and all year long.
10. Choose your response carefully.
What type of person do you want to be? Do you want to be a person who curses at their loved ones and gets out of hand? Do you want to be someone who talks things through gracefully and intelligently? What kind of arguer do you want to be? Be that arguer, even if the person you’re arguing with isn’t. Imagine someone you greatly admire and how they would handle this situation. Could be your mom or dad, Mother Teresa or Jesus, or even Winnie the Pooh. Try to emulate that.
11. Be flexible.
Most arguments start because someone wants something. If it’s the other person that wants something, try to figure out what they want and ask what the two of you can do to solve the problem. Is there anything you can compromise about or agree with them on? Try to move toward the other person in the argument as much as possible. Question your own perspective — how would you feel if you were in their position? Use this empathy to generate a solution that works for both of you. If you’re the one wanting something, be specific about what you want from the other person and be flexible about how they can meet your needs.
12. Think of the consequences of continuing the argument.
Will it just get worse? Then, abort. Is there a reasonable likelihood of a positive outcome? If not, abort. If you’re not being the arguer you want to be, abort.
13. Be action-oriented.
Try to identify one small action step each of you can take to address each other’s needs. It will make both of you feel like you’re contributing and getting your needs met and help you feel calmer.
14. Ask questions.
When we’re arguing, we tend to make assumptions about what the other person is thinking, is mad about, or wants from us. Ask questions to understand their perspective better. This will help you feel calmer because it will slow the pace of the argument and help both of you understand each other better.
15 . Pause.
Pause for 3 seconds before you respond. This will give you time to think about how you want to respond, give you time to breathe, and give the other person time to feel heard. Slowing the pace of the argument helps make both of you calmer.
16. Step backwards.
Put more space between yourself and the person you’re arguing with. It will immediately feel less personal and intense. Be mindful of your body language in general and try to look nonthreatening (uncross your arms, adopt a neutral facial expression, etc.).
17. Use your inside voice.
Even if the other person is shouting, you don’t have to. Speak calmly and you’ll feel calmer.
18. Be respectful.
Don’t criticize the other person (“You’re so selfish”), show contempt (this includes eye-rolling, scoffing, insulting, etc.), shut down emotionally, or be defensive. Respect the other person and you’ll find common ground (and calmness) more quickly and easily.
Whether you tend to have contentious relationships or not, pick one or two of these ideas to incorporate into your set of relationship skills and find at least one way to use it this week. Notice whether it makes a difference in how people respond to you.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD,
is a practicing psychologist
in Des Moines, Iowa.
