I Can’t Relax: Here’s Why It’s So Hard to Relax & Some Tips to Relax When You’re Feeling Stressed

You know when you’re anxious or stressed that you’re “supposed” to relax. But when you slow down and try, your mind keeps running, you feel tense, and you spend the whole time not relaxing. It seems like such a waste. A couple of months ago, I was interviewed by POPSUGAR for an article that inspired this week’s article. Today, we’ll dive into why it’s so hard to relax, and I’ll give you some tips for relaxing when it’s hard.

Why It’s So Hard to Relax

There can be a lot of reasons it’s hard to relax. Here are a few:

• Difficulty relaxing can come from ingrained beliefs that
  • you don’t have enough time to relax
  • you don’t need to relax
  • you don’t deserve to relax
  • it’s more important to be “productive” 
• Relaxing can feel threatening to people with certain types of anxiety disorders because it makes them notice physical sensations that can trigger anxiety or panic symptoms
• Chronic trauma or persistent anxiety can keep some people seemingly stuck in a tense state
• People sometimes start to notice very bothersome thoughts and emotions when they slow down to relax, and they might avoid relaxation to avoid that discomfort
• Living in a perpetual state of burnout can make it difficult to slow down and engage, so it’s helpful to figure out what your burnout stressors are

Why You Should Practice Relaxing, Even When It’s Hard

Despite these difficulties, relaxation is a really important factor in managing your overall mental health. Relaxation helps the brain and body reset its stress response.  When we’re busy living our lives, our bodies respond to stress by pumping out cortisol and sometimes activating the fight-or-flight system.  Relaxation helps turn this response off. 

When we’re relaxed, our bodies are engaged in important biological processes that are paused when we’re not relaxed — things like digestion, saliva production, and immunity.  If we don’t ever get around to relaxing, these processes are compromised, which is why many people who struggle to relax have digestive issues, as well as other physical health problems.  If your tummy or head hurts on the reg, it might be a sign that you’re overdue for some relaxation. There are tons of other ways stress can show up, though, so check here for 9 signs of stress that affect women in particular and for 258 other signs that stress is compromising your health.

How to Relax When You Can’t Relax

One of the most powerful strategies we have to disengage our stress response and engage our relaxation response is controlling how we breathe.  Our bodies encourage us to breathe more quickly and shallowly when we’re stressed because they’re trying to prepare us for fight or flight.  When we breathe slowly and deeply, our brains realize we are not in danger and allow us to start relaxing.  All of these strategies help your brain and body relax by slowing down your breathing and communicating to your brain that you are safe.  

So, start with some high quality breathing exercises or these mindfulness exercises.

Then, experiment with strategies I’ve brought you in previous articles

Keep This In Mind

Keep in mind that sometimes relaxation is so unfamiliar that it can feel uncomfortable and aversive.  Like with anything else, it becomes more familiar with practice. 

Also, relaxation is a skill, meaning it’s something that you get better at when you practice it.  Sometimes it’s hard to really get yourself to relax the first few times you try, but sticking with it can help your brain figure out how to transition you to a calmer state.  

How to Practice Positive Self-Talk

One of the most common concerns I hear from my clients about relaxing is that as soon as they slow down, they’re bombarded with self-critical thoughts. Next week, I’ll give you some techniques to practice positive self-talk so you’ll be prepared to combat that self-criticism. Don’t miss it. In the meantime, grab my workbook on Toxic Self-Criticism to learn step-by-step how to silence your inner critic. That’ll set a good foundation for learning how to replace the self-criticism with positive self-talk.

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.