As a recovering perfectionist, having “mistake” and “perfectionist” in the same sentence already gives me anxiety. It’s as if there’s something syntactically wrong with that sentence. But the truth is, despite their many differences from each other, almost all perfectionists make one mistake, and it’s huge.
But before we get into the mistake, you might be thinking this doesn’t apply to you because you’re not a perfectionist. But what I’ve learned from my clients is that none of my perfectionists recognize they’re perfectionists. So go ahead and take my quiz to see if maybe you’re in that group. Then read on.
Although we tell ourselves that we want things to be perfect because that’s the way we like it, when we’re real with ourselves, that’s not the full truth. Sure, I like a clean house and I like to know my work goes out without typos. But if I’m honest, the full truth is that I’m mortified when people drop by my house unexpectedly and I cringe when someone points out a mistake I missed.
“What we tell ourselves is that if our work is great…people will think that we are great. And we assume that will come with some emotional peace.”
What we tell ourselves is that if our work is great…if our house is sparkling, our children are well-behaved, our lesson plans are innovative, our clothes are stylish….that people will think that we are great. And we assume that will come with some emotional peace.
Perfection à Approval from Others à Peace
But that’s a mistake. Peace doesn’t come from other people thinking we’re great and approving of us.
The reality is that peace comes from realizing that we’ll be just fine even if people don’t think we’re great.
Once we realize that peace is something we can pull from inside ourselves, that it’s something we can access and control, we have a lot more agency to actually find it. Perfectionism is one route people pursue in an attempt to find peace, but a more direct route looks like this:
Self-approval à Peace
If you’re thinking, “Yeah, Hayden, that’s great, but “self-approval” is something totally foreign to me,” I’ve got your back. We’ll get around to figuring out how to build self-approval from the ground up.
Next week, though, we’re chatting about that feeling you have that it’s all just a little too much. Don’t miss it.
P.S. Members of my email community get freebies and other tips to master their mental health that no one else gets, so make sure you join.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, focused on helping you master your mental health.
