By HAYDEN FINCH, PhD
It’s great to have high standards and to strive to be the best we can be. But when our standards are unrelenting, when they’re unachievable or only achievable at a really high cost, then it makes it really hard to also feel good about yourself.
Step 1: Figure Out How Perfectionism Helps You
What do you like about being a perfectionist? As a recovering perfectionist, I always liked being prepared, I liked the attention I got for being in the top of my class, I liked being organized and efficient, and it made me feel special and proud to accomplish what I didn’t think was possible for myself.
But when I was in my early 20s, I began appreciating the cost of being a perfectionist. Certainly by that point, my high standards had helped me accomplish a lot that I’m really proud of, but at the same time it was costing me a TON, especially in the way I felt about myself and my ability and interest in pursuing relationships. My self-worth depended on these impossible standards. Any mistake I ever made or any problem reaching my goals, whether it was my fault or not, had a devastating impact on me. No matter what I accomplished, I felt like it was never good enough, and if I’m not good enough for myself, then why in the world would I think anyone would want to be friends with me? It started to become really problematic. I had no free time, I was isolated, and I overdid it on every task and assignment. I began realizing there’s a difference between pursuing perfection, which is a logical impossibility and both unhelpful and unhealthy, and pursuing excellence.
Personally, my perfectionism centered primarily on academics and work, though I also had high standards for my appearance and how I kept my personal space. Other people’s perfectionism centers on their relationships, body image/eating habits, athletics, health, etc. Take a minute now, and consider, what does your perfectionism center on?
I began realizing there’s a difference between pursuing perfection, which is a logical impossibility and both unhelpful and unhealthy, and pursuing excellence.
Step 2: Learn What Factors Caused Your Perfectionism and What Factors Keep It Going
I became a perfectionist like many others. Part of it was my personality – I tend to be a bit anxious naturally. And a lot of it was my life experiences. I noticed my parents, teachers, and other adults were very proud of me for my achievements. Though they were also probably proud of me for other things (like my effort, tenacity, creativity, etc.), I assumed they were proud of the outcome. After making that assumption, I sort of developed a rule for my life, even though I didn’t know it at the time. The rule became something like:
for people to be proud of you, and for you to be proud of yourself, you must be the absolute best
There was no wiggle room in the rule for mistakes or variation. Although logically it’s reasonable to assume that if you’re great at one thing then it’s okay to be average or even below average at another, but not when your life is guided by a rule like mine. So even though I did great at school and learned easily, I wasn’t the least bit athletic and struggled to keep up with my classmates in PE. It was devastating to middle school me because my self-worth was entirely dependent on my being perfect at everything. If I wasn’t perfect at something, then it was as if I were a failure at everything.
But in addition to assuming others wanted me to be perfect and then living as if that were true, I got rewarded for achievements, from Pizza Hut’s personal pan pizza for elementary school reading to extra privileges at home for good grades. Plus, my parents were educators, so they emphasized hard work and good performance academically. For most people, like for me, perfectionism develops as a consequence of temperament and learning experiences, including implicit messages we get from our parents.
What were the assumptions you made about life that started the perfectionism? What are the assumptions that keep it going?
Step 3: Evaluate What Perfectionism Costs You
Everyone has standards by which we determine how well we’re doing. Standards let us know if we’re on track with our goals. The problem with perfectionism is the standards aren’t adjustable. They don’t account for problems that arise with goal-setting. So for example, your standard for test performance might generally be to receive an A or score at or above the class average. But what if you get super sick just hours before the test, limiting your study time and compromising your performance during the actual test? Or what if you were in a fender bender on the way to the exam and got in late, rattled? Or what if after the test you have a big job interview that’s on your mind? Is it okay to give yourself any slack in these cases? If your standards are unrelenting or rigid or you have assumptions that are possibly inaccurate, then you might be dealing with perfectionism.
What do you like about being a perfectionist? What does it cost you? Where does your perfectionism show up in your life? Where do you think it came from?
Pay attention to your perfectionism over the next few weeks, and then check back for Phase II of the Perfectionism series.
The Centre for Clinical Interventions has great handouts
about perfectionism.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD,
is a practicing psychologist
in Des Moines, Iowa.
