By HAYDEN FINCH, PhD
Postpartum depression in women is widely discussed, but what about the guys? They matter, too, right??? Being a new daddy is a really exciting experience for many men, something they’ve looked forward to for a long time. And then sometimes the reality of it is just….depressing. A baby that won’t stop screaming, like ever. Diaper after diaper after diaper. Getting puked on and peed on and snotted on. Still having to take care of all the other kids, and take care of your partner who just pushed this baby out of her nether regions, and keep everyone fed, and check the mail and pay the bills, and entertain the extended family that wants to come look at the baby, and look put together at work, and on and on and on…..all while not sleeping and being super confused about how to even take care of a baby. It’s.A.LOT.
Stress is one of the major factors influencing mental health, so it’s not surprising, then, that new daddies start to experience a decline in their mental health. Here are the numbers:
- Overall, between 8.5% and 12.7% of men have paternal depression.
- Between the first trimester of the mom’s pregnancy through six months after the baby’s birth, about 10% of men show signs of postpartum depression.
- The period between 3 and 6 months of age is the period when rates are the highest – 26% of daddies show signs of postpartum depression during this period.
And mom’s postpartum depression status matters – A whopping 50% of daddies whose partners have postpartum depression also have postpartum depression themselves. 50%!!! But while women tend to cope with the symptoms by seeking support from friends and family, stigma and lack of awareness keep men from seeking help and they just suffer through it.
“A whopping 50% of daddies whose partners have postpartum depression also have postpartum depression themselves.”
Ok so a LOT of men are dealing with this. How do you know if you’re at risk for postpartum depression?
Check Out These Risk Factors
- Maternal postpartum depression
- Well, as mentioned, if mom has postpartum depression, dad is at greater risk.
- Hormone fluctuations
- It’s long been suspected that postpartum depression in women is caused by the major hormone fluctuations during and after pregnancy. But now we know that happens to men, too. Their hormones fluctuate during pregnancy and after birth, with a dip in testosterone from early pregnancy to late pregnancy and then after birth. This is true not just in humans but in daddies across the animal kingdom, especially those that are really involved in coparenting.
- Sleep deprivation
- Duh. Crying baby = no sleep. No sleep = bad mood. Persistent bad mood = higher risk for all kinds of mental health stuff.
- Personal or family history of depression
- If you’ve already had an episode of depression in your life or someone in your family has dealt with depression, you’re more likely to experience symptoms of postpartum depression given all the stress associated with pregnancy and parenting.
- Contentious relationship with your partner or a significant decrease in attention and connection with your partner
- If you and your partner have a contentious relationship and have trouble cooperating and supporting each other, you’re at greater risk for postpartum depression. Also, with your partner needing to spend a significant amount of time with the baby, the decrease in attention can increase risk for postpartum depression.
- Poverty and limited resources
- Another factor that increases overall stress and compounds the stress of having a new baby. Plus babies are esspensive.
- Worries about daddyhood
- Worrying you’ll do something wrong, worrying you’ll accidentally hurt the baby, being uncertain about what to do – soooo much to worry about. Worrying à increased risk for depression.
- Sick, colicky, or premature baby
- All babies need a super high level of attention and care, but babies who have health problems or developmental difficulties need even MORE care and require even more patience and diligence from parents. Recipe for postpartum depression.
- Lack of support from others
- Men have a habit of feeling like they need to be “strong” and aren’t always supported when they admit to struggling. They feel like they need to take care of their partners, whose postpartum depression is “understandable.” Without asking for support from others, they take on more than they can handle, and depression ensues.
So now you know how great your risk is. What do you look for to know if you or your partner or your friend has postpartum depression?
Check Out These Indicators
With women, you look for more traditional signs of depression, like sadness and crying. But in men, postpartum depression can show up differently.
Look for:
- Daddy is irritable, agitated, or angry. Like even more than usual and even more than you’d expect for a daddy who is sleep deprived. Some men might show the classic sadness, so be on the lookout for that as well.
- Daddy doesn’t laugh at the same jokes he used to. He’s lost his sense of humor.
- Daddy is experiencing shortness of breath, heart palpitations, panic attacks, or other major indicators of anxiety.
- Daddy can’t sleep, or he’s sleeping way too much, his appetite is out of whack, he can’t concentrate, he can’t get motivated, or he’s having more headaches, stomach problems, and pain
- Daddy complains of feeling worthless or discouraged and says he has nothing to look forward to
- Daddy doesn’t feel interested in the activities he’s always loved (like sex…)
- Daddy is doing more risky things…like drinking more, using drugs or prescription pills, gambling, getting involved in an extramarital affair, etc.
- Daddy is spending more time at work and avoiding coming home
- Daddy is getting in more arguments with mommy
- Daddy seems more easily stressed
- Daddy is distancing himself from mommy, his family and friends, and even the baby
Did you check some of those boxes? Here’s the problem: postpartum depression doesn’t just affect dad, it affects the baby, too. Daddies with postpartum depression tend to be less involved with their kids, which has been associated with mild language delays (not learning as many words as early in life), disruptive behavior, and more social and emotional problems for the kiddo later on in life. And daddies with postpartum depression are less likely to read to their kids, tell them stories, and sing songs to them, and unfortunately, they’re more likely to spank their kids.
Listen up, this is important: A shocking 83% of dads who have been classified as having MODERATE to SEVERE postpartum depression didn’t share their suffering with ANYONE. Read that again, folks. 83% of dads with the most severe symptoms didn’t tell ANYONE. Don’t be in that group.
“Daddies with postpartum depression are less likely to read to their kids, tell them stories, and sing songs to them, and unfortunately, they’re more likely to spank their kids.”
Alright, so something’s gotta be done. What can I do, Hayden?
Glad you asked.
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Although some men have been publicly told to “man up” when they’ve disclosed their postpartum depression, it’s much more manly (in my opinion) to say, “Hey I’ve got an issue, I realize this issue can affect my kid, and I know this issue is treatable, so help me help myself and my kid.” Amiright? So here’s what daddies with postpartum depression can do.
- Take care of yourself. You take care of mom and baby, right? Don’t forget about yourself. Keep exercising, eat well, journal, go to a bro’ga class, get a massage, or go to lunch with your friends.
- Get involved with a support group. Many hospitals have groups for new fathers and new parents. You can also go online to postpartummen.com.
- Talk to your coworkers and friends who are new parents for support. They’ve been there. They can relate. They have tricks to help.
- Stay connected with your partner. Y’all need each other. Keep your relationship alive and well. Talk about what you need.
- GO SEE A THERAPIST. You don’t have to stay in therapy forever, but take the time out of your week to take a break, get some support, remember that what you’re going through is normal, and refocus on how you can cope with these symptoms. Depression is treatable, including postpartum depression, so there’s no sense in suffering through it when there are relatively simple strategies to improve the symptoms. Medication is also an option, so talk to your physician.
Got it, guys? Postpartum depression in men is REAL. It’s prevalent. And waaaayyyyyyyyyy too many new daddies are not only not getting any help for the condition, they aren’t even telling anyone. It’s gotta change, folks. Be the change.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD,
is a practicing psychologist
in Des Moines, Iowa, focused on helping you Master Your Mental Health.
