How to Overcome Anxiety & Depression with More Useful Questions
I talk to people in therapy all day, every day. One consequence of that is that I hear a lot of people’s thoughts…their most personal thoughts…the thoughts they never share with anyone else. And when you hear people’s most intimate thoughts for several years, you start to pick up on some patterns. One thing I’ve noticed is that people are asking themselves a lot of questions.
Asking Questions Leads to Personal Growth
You might think asking yourself questions would be a good thing. Asking questions presumably leads to answering questions, and maybe that leads to growth or change. Yes, my friend, that’s the idea. I mean, I spend a lot of my day not only listening to people ask themselves questions but also asking them even more questions. Questions are good…they do lead to growth. As long as you’re asking the right questions.
Asking Yourself the Wrong Questions Perpetuates Anxiety & Depression
But I’ve noticed people are asking themselves the wrong questions. Here are examples of common questions my clients ask themselves:
Why can’t I get this right?
What if this is a disaster?
Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend?
What’s wrong with me?
What if I’m not good at this?
What if people think I’m a mess?
Can you relate?
The Questions We Ask Ourselves Have Already Been Answered
The problem with these questions is that they’re not designed for open discovery. They’re not designed to really go out and look for answers. They’re not fair questions. These questions already have an answer in mind. Here are the implied answers:
Q: Why can’t I get this right?
A: Because I’m an idiot.
Q: What if this is a disaster?
A: It will be a disaster and it’s gonna be terrible.
Q: Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend?
A: Because I’m a loser.
Q: What’s wrong with me?
A: Everything.
Q: What if I’m not good at this?
A: I’m definitely not good at this, so I should just quit.
Q: What if people think I’m a mess?
A: It’s a given that I’m a mess. I should probably go hide for a while.
The Questions We Ask Ourselves Keep Us Anxious & Depressed
See, the problem with those questions is they keep us stuck. They reinforce the lies our anxiety and depression have already convinced us are true. They seem to just prove that we’re a lost cause and there’s nothing we can do to make changes.
How to Ask Yourself More Useful Questions
All of these questions can be made into more helpful questions…questions that are actually designed to go out and look for answers…questions that get us unstuck. Here’s an example.
Instead of asking yourself
Q1: Why can’t I get this right?
Ask yourself
Q2: What one small change can I make that would make today feel successful?
Useful Questions Get Us Unstuck from Anxiety & Depression
This revised question is dedicated toward getting us unstuck. Its whole job is to help us refocus from what’s going wrong to what we can do right. Instead of being oriented toward misery, it’s oriented toward action. It’s focused on a future goal rather than obsessively running around in circles. All that makes a huge difference in how we move forward.
Try Asking Yourself More Useful Questions
Asking yourself better questions is actually really hard!! See if you can do it with the questions I gave you earlier. Turn each of these into a more helpful question.
Why can’t I get this right?
What if this is a disaster?
Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend?
What’s wrong with me?
What if I’m not good at this?
What if people think I’m a mess?
How’d you do? If it was hard, know that it’s hard for me, too!! If you’re curious how I turned them into more helpful questions, grab this PDF. And definitely if you notice one of those questions showing up in your head a lot, make sure you grab the PDF and see how you can replace that question with a more productive question.
Speaking of stress and anxiety…have I told you about the nightmare trip I took to Jacksonville, Florida? I’m sure I haven’t. It was a nightmare, and next week I’ll tell you all the lessons I learned about stress and resilience from that trip. Lots of lessons and lots of tips for you to take forward into your own stressful adventures. Don’t miss it.
Dr. Finch
P.S. If you skipped to the end, here’s the gist. Asking yourself the wrong questions will keep you stuck. Turn the questions into more action-oriented, useful questions to get unstuck. Grab the PDF for examples of better questions for some of the most common questions I hear in my office. And check back next week for a bunch of lessons learned from a nightmare trip to Jacksonville, Florida.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
