16 Strategies for Practicing Positive Self-Talk to Boost Self-Esteem and Build Confidence

Last week, we discussed why it’s so hard to relax and discovered that difficulty relaxing can be related to problems with self-esteem and confidence. As soon as you slow down, you’re bombarded with self-critical thoughts. One of the greatest weapons against those thoughts is positive self-talk, so today let’s develop some strategies to practice positive self-talk.

Why Positive Self-Talk Is So Hard

Before we dive into the strategies, let’s just acknowledge that positive self-talk is really freakin’ hard. Do you ever feel like a total fraud when you say nice things to yourself? Like, you really believe the nice things you say to other people, but as soon as you say something nice to yourself, you throw up a little.

That’s normal, friend.

Throughout our lives, we’re conditioned to believe that other people are more important than we are. We learn through our life experiences that it’s important to be liked and accepted by the people around us. We come to believe that the best way to do that is to be hard on ourselves…we assume that if we’re too kind to ourselves that we’ll say or do something wrong.

But the truth is that our likability has nothing to do with self-criticism. In fact, people who are kinder to themselves tend to have better relationships. So, let’s start working on some techniques to build positive self-talk.

How to Build Positive Self-Talk

A. Replace Negative Self-Talk

To build positive self-talk, your primary objective is to catch the negative self-talk and replace it. As long as the negative self-talk is still floating around, it’s going to contaminate your headspace and make it harder for you to invest in your positive self-talk. Here are some strategies to try.

1. Journal

Begin a journal to catch your negative self-talk and to detect patterns in your negative self-talk. It’s easier to notice the negativity in writing than it is when it’s just floating through your head, so write down your thoughts in a journal.

2. Use Milder Language

Negative self-talk might sound like, “I can’t do anything right,” or “I suck.” If going all the way to “I am capable” or “I am good enough” feels like it’s going too far, try just using milder language. Instead of “anything,” try “everything.” Or instead of “suck,” try “struggling.” Like this:

• “I can’t do anything right” becomes “I can’t do everything right”
• “I suck” becomes “I’m struggling”

These small differences in language can accumulate to make a big difference psychologically.

3. Change negative thoughts to Neutral or Positive

Try changing your negative thoughts to a neutral alternative. Like this:

• “There’s no way this will work” (negative) becomes “I don’t know if this will work” (neutral)
• “I’ll never figure this out” (negative) becomes “I don’t know if I’ll figure this out” (neutral)

Once that becomes easier, try changing to more positive thoughts. Like this:

• “There’s no way this will work” (negative) becomes “I can try to make it work” (positive)
• “I’ll never figure this out” (negative) becomes “I can try another way to figure this out” (positive)

4. Change Self-Limiting Beliefs to Questions

Sometimes, our thoughts are presented as facts:

• I can’t handle this.
• I’m too lazy to get this done.
• I’m not going to get any better at this.

Try rephrasing these beliefs as questions. Like this:

• What coping skills do I have to handle this?
• What can I do to get this done?
• What resources can I use to improve a tiny amount?

This shift from a statement to a question can help us realize that we sometimes have untapped resources.

5. Silence Your Inner Critic

For even more strategies to change negative self-talk, grab my self-criticism workbook. By practicing the skills in the workbook, you’ll go from beating yourself up to respecting yourself.  Through a research-based process, I’ll walk you step-by-step from self-critical to self-compassionate.  I’ll teach you all the skills you need, including

• How to recognize when you’re being self-critical
• How to know if your inner critic is telling the truth about you
• How to demolish the critic

B. Practice Positivity

Now that you’re in the habit of catching the negative thoughts, it’s time to inject some more positivity into your life. Here are some strategies to try.

6. Look for Silver Linings

In almost all life events, there’s some silver lining. Things might not turn out the way you want, and in fact they might be nearly disastrous — like maybe you got fired from your job or your house caught on fire. Disaster. But if you dig deep, there’s often a silver lining somewhere. Try to consider what opportunities might come up, what resources you might acquire, or at least what skills you might learn from this struggle. Practicing finding the positive, even in the most disastrous situations, is good training for your brain.

7. Connect with Your Values

Reminding yourself of what really matters to you is a great strategy for getting out of a negative headspace and diving deeper into a positive one.

8. Practice Gratitude

Gratitude journals are one of the very best techniques for building a more consistently positive mindset. In a previous article, I outlined why gratitude journals are so effective and gave you 30 days of no-repeat gratitude journal prompts. Grab them here:

9. Post Positive Affirmations

Another strategy for keeping your focus on the positive is to post positive affirmations where you’ll see them regularly — on your mirror, by your alarm clock, on your pillow, next to your computer, on your phone’s home screen. As you see positive quotes or statements on the internet or in what you’re reading, collect them and turn them into post-its for yourself.

10. Laugh

Laughter is a great way to induce more positivity. Pull up YouTube videos of babies giggling, listen to a clip of your favorite standup comedian, hit play on your favorite sitcom. Or, without any prompting, just laugh. It’ll feel silly, but it works.

11. Decrease News & Social Media Consumption

We all know the news and social media are bad for mental health, so decrease your consumption or limit it to positive vibes only.

C. Connect with Others

The third theme for practicing positive self-talk is to enhance your connection to other people. Even though self-talk is all about you and your relationship with yourself, the way you interact with, connect with, and talk to other people affects the relationship you have with yourself. Here are some strategies.

12. Use Kind Words with Others

When we’re critical of others, that criticism spills over into the way we talk to ourselves. Try to use kinder words when talking about other people. This will help your brain get in the habit of being kinder overall.

13. Contribute

Volunteer your time to an organization or cause you care about. Contributing to a cause or organization that is doing good in the world reminds you that there are positive things happening…and that you can be a part of the good.

14. Connect with Positive People

Decrease your association with negative people (unfollow them on social media, set boundaries with them in real life) and increase your association with positive people. The more toxic people in your life, the more toxic your relationship with yourself will be….and the more healthy, positive people in your life, the greater your likelihood of learning how to really practice better self-talk.

D. Look Toward the Future

You’re catching negative thoughts and replacing them with more neutral or positive ones, you’ve added more positivity to your life, and you’re connecting with other humans in a positive way. Now it’s time to recognize that there’s a lot to look forward to in your future. When you’re more hopeful about your future, positive self-talk is easier to come by. Here are some strategies.

15. Set Goals

Have goals for yourself. Big or small, have something you’re working toward. It doesn’t need to be anything earth-shattering, it just needs to be something you’re focused on. Refrain from comparing your goals to what you think other people are working on…stay in your lane and focus on what would add value to your life. Having something we’re working toward helps us build hopefulness and confidence.

16. Visualize Your Success

Now that you have a goal, it’s easy for negative self-talk to creep in and sabotage your success. Combat the self-sabotage with these 10 strategies and then visualize yourself finding success with your goal. Close your eyes and imagine yourself working toward your goal and reaching it. Inject yourself with enthusiasm, encouragement, support, and good vibes to propel yourself toward the finish line.

E. Practice Mindfulness

Finally, practice positive self-talk by practicing mindfulness. In an earlier article, you learned all about what mindfulness is and how it works. In this case, mindfulness helps you create some space between yourself and the thoughts you have about yourself. Without mindfulness, negative self-talk can feel like we’re in the middle of a nasty tornado; mindfulness is what allows you to step outside of the tornado and watch it happen from a distance. Once you’re at a distance, you have more choices about what kinds of thoughts you want to have. Build your mindfulness skills with these exercises:

Positive Self-Talk Takes Practice

As you start working through these techniques, keep in mind that positive self-talk is a skill. That means, it takes practice like any other skill. Just like holding a paintbrush feels awkward, and the brush and paint don’t do what you want when you’re a beginner, positive self-talk will feel similarly cumbersome and ineffective initially. Practice, though, and you’ll get better at it.

For even more strategies to build self-confidence and start believing in yourself, check out these previous articles:

How to Calm Your Mind

If you’re invested in practicing positive self-talk, that tells me your goal is to have a more peaceful mind altogether. Next week, we’ll work on developing some strategies to calm, center, and soothe your mind, today and every day. These are great strategies to carry with you for a more peaceful year. Don’t miss it.

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.