Each week, you read my articles because you’re committed to learning research-proven strategies to master your mental health. That takes dedication, and I admire your engagement!

The problem is, knowing the strategies doesn’t actually change our lives all by itself. We actually have to use the strategies. And if you’re anything like me and a lot of my clients, your biggest obstacle in using the strategies is … yourself.

But even though it’s normal to sabotage your own success, it’s still really bothersome and unhelpful. You want to make changes! You just can’t get out of your own way!

This week, let’s dive into 10 strategies to change that pattern so you can finally use all the knowledge you’ve acquired about how to change your life in a positive way.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging

1. Figure out what coping mechanisms are holding you back

The things we do to self-sabotage are often intended to be coping mechanisms. Things like zoning out on social media, accidentally eating an entire pint of ice cream, or avoiding confrontation keep us from doing the healthy things that would actually help us move forward in our lives…but they also help us avoid dealing with real issues in our lives. It’s not healthy to avoid dealing with those issues, but avoiding the issues feels better than dealing with them.

The first part of stopping your habit of self-sabotage is to figure out what unhealthy coping mechanisms you’re relying on. Check out my previous post on 15 coping mechanisms keeping you stuck for some ideas.

2. Find Alternative Behaviors To Address Your Needs

Once you’ve identified all the unhealthy coping mechanisms that are secretly sabotaging your success, it’s time to find alternative coping mechanisms. The unhealthy behaviors are serving a need, so we have to find an alternative way to meet that need. For example, maybe your unhealthy habit of snoozing the alarm in the morning is sabotaging your desire to get to the gym, but it’s also meeting a need — your need to get a few extra minutes of sleep or your need to choose an easier task (sleeping) over a harder one (exercising). Your goal here is to find an alternative way to meet those needs, like prioritizing getting to bed earlier or setting yourself up with helpful self-statements to encourage you to choose the harder action.

In my article about unhealthy coping mechanisms that are keeping you stuck, I also shared with you the healthy alternatives, so check there for some ideas.

3. Overcome Procrastination

Procrastination is one of the most common ways people self-sabotage. So, if you’re going to stop self-sabotaging, you’ve gotta get really good at overcoming procrastination. I’ve got a whole series of articles coming up soon about how to overcome procrastination, so stay tuned for those articles. In the meantime, get started with these quick tips:

1. Schedule (on your calendar) the tasks you are prioritizing for today.
2. Set a timer to work on a challenging task for just 5 minutes.
3. Do quick-and-easy tasks as soon as you think about them.
4. Complete easy tasks first and use that momentum to get started on the harder tasks.
5. Or the opposite: Do the harder tasks first and use your relief at having accomplished those big items to knock out the easier ones more quickly.

4. Silence Self-Criticism

Another champion of self-sabotage is self-criticism. As long as you’re beating yourself up, you’ll continue to sabotage yourself. To be able to find success with your goals, learning how to silence your inner critic is essential. Check out this previous article with 6 research-based strategies for overcoming self-criticism.

For even more strategies and a step-by-step approach to overcoming self-criticism, grab my workbook.

5. Set Healthy Standards For Yourself by Defeating Perfectionism

The final threat to success that almost everyone experiences is perfectionism. As long as you have standards that are excessive or unattainable (standards like: “Mistakes are unacceptable” or “Everyone must like me”), you will continue to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors as a way of coping with what feels like constant failure. Set yourself up for success by learning what causes perfectionism, identifying what your standards even are, figuring out whether you have healthy standards or not, and learning how to change unhealthy standards into healthy ones.

6. Break Bad Habits

Now that you’ve got some of the low-hanging fruit out of the way (namely, you’ve started working on procrastination, self-criticism, and perfectionism), it’s time to break the other bad habits you’re using to self-sabotage…things like scrolling social media, eating ice cream straight out of the tub, making excuses to skip the gym, isolating yourself, biting your fingernails, etc. Breaking bad habits comes down to four components, which I outlined in a previous article. Work through this worksheet to dive deeper into establishing a plan for breaking bad habits that perpetuate your self-sabotage.

7. Establish Good Habits

Once you’ve got your bad habits abolished, it’s time to replace them with some healthy habits. The steps are essentially the reverse of breaking bad habits, but in a previous article I walked you through exactly how to establish good habits. Follow the steps and dive deeper with this worksheet.

8. Practice Self-Care

A big reason that self-sabotage continues is because we’re just not taking care of ourselves. The better we take care of ourselves, the more we want to protect our success…and the more we let ourselves go, the less motivated we are to make healthy choices. You’ve seen this for yourself: On the days you actually get to the gym, you also make healthier choices with food, too. Once you start taking care of yourself in general, you’ll find you’ll be more motivated to continue making other healthy choices. Here are some strategies for practicing self-care:

9. Get Comfortable with Discomfort

The biggest thing you need to know about how to stop self-sabotaging is that it’s gonna be super uncomfortable. The entire reason we self-sabotage is to stay as close as possible to our comfort zone. In fact, that’s all self-sabotage is: Choosing something that’s easier and more comfortable over something that will actually move us forward in our lives. Unfortunately, there’s no way to stop self-sabotaging without feeling uncomfortable. The good news is that the discomfort goes away quickly, can’t actually hurt you, and is totally worth it once you get to the other side and find success.

10. Stay Clear On Your Values

Finally, one of the reasons we get away with self-sabotaging is because we conveniently forget what’s actually important to us. In the morning, when your alarm goes off and it’s time to go to the gym, it’s harder for your brain to remember why this seemed like such a good idea the night before. And the book club you signed up to attend so you can meet people in your community seemed like a good idea until it was time to leave for it. It’s easy to forget why these goals are important, which gives self-sabotage room to creep in. Get crystal-clear on why your goals are important to you and remind yourself of that often. When your alarm goes off, immediately remind yourself why you want to go to the gym: You’ve noticed a direct relationship between how often you exercise and how often you cry, and you’re tired of crying. When it’s time to leave for the book club, remind yourself why you signed up: You’re lonely, and the only way to meet people is to leave your apartment.

Your Two-Step Stress Management Plan

A lot of our self-sabotage comes from poorly managed stress. Stress builds up through the hours, weeks, and years of our lives, and we settle into a comfort zone of avoiding as much as possible because it seems easier to just tread water and impossible to actually get ahead. Next week, I’ll share with you a proven two-step plan to manage stress — yep, managing stress comes down to just two steps. I’ll tell you what they are and walk you through how to use them so you can become a master of managing stress. Don’t miss it.

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.