When You Always Fear the Worst, Here’s What to Do

Last week, I gave you strategies for organizing your stressful thoughts. Certain thoughts can use some extra TLC, though, because they cause enormous stress, like fearing the worst. And let me tell you, Fearing The Worst has had its heyday in 2020. Just a quick recap:

• Australian bushfires
• COVID-19 pandemic
• Stock market crash
• Civil unrest following George Floyd’s death
• Murder hornets
• Wildfires across the west coast
• One of the most prolific hurricane seasons on record

…and that’s just current as I write this, with still a few months to go.

In the context of that reality, if you find yourself fearing the worst, well that makes a lot of sense. But some of us have been perfecting worst-case scenario thinking long before the world turned upside down in 2020. Today, let’s develop some strategies for shifting those worst-case scenario thoughts.

What’s Helpful About Fearing the Worst

In psychology land, when people have thoughts that involve routinely “fearing the worst,” we call these thoughts “catastrophizing” thoughts. “Catastrophizing” has the root word “catastrophe,” which makes sense, given that people who fear the worst are often predicting a catastrophe.

You might believe these types of thoughts can be helpful. For example, maybe you believe that if you fear the worst that bad things are less likely to happen to you. Or maybe you believe that fearing the worst helps prepare you or motivate you.

But let’s look at those beliefs a little more carefully:

• How does fear affect what happens to you? Behaviors you engage in might affect what happens to you — like wearing a seatbelt or applying for a job or calling an old friend. But does the fear itself affect the outcome?
• And how does fear prepare you or motivate you? Consider this: Is it the fear that prepares you, motivates you, or protects you….or is it the problem-solving and action-taking you’re doing that prepares, movates, and protects you? Someone who just sits around being afraid isn’t prepared for a disaster…someone who takes action is prepared.

How to Stop Fearing the Worst

Step 1: Recognize the Fears Aren’t Helpful

By now you realize that the fears and worries aren’t what protect you from bad things happening. Instead, taking action and solving problems are what protect you. So, step 1 in changing this pattern is to challenge your beliefs that the fear and worrying is helpful. Once you recognize it’s just something extra on top of what’s actually helpful, you’re ready to move to step 2.

Step 2: Examine the Validity of Your Fear

Some of our fears are firmly rooted in reality. Like, it makes sense to be afraid of walking into a busy street without looking for traffic. And it makes sense to be afraid of going to a nightclub during a pandemic and to be afraid of murder hornets (I mean, it’s in the name…). Those things are actually dangerous and potentially life-threatening, so fear is definitely serving its purpose in those situations.

But some of our fears are a smidge exaggerated. Like, there’s nothing actually dangerous or life-threatening about calling an old friend, even if you’re nervous about doing it. And it won’t actually hurt you to be turned down for a promotion, even if it’s embarrassing.

So it’s important to do some digging and figure out whether our fears hold water. To do this, consider what objective evidence there is that your fear is true. And then, consider what objective evidence there is that your fear might be exaggerated or even untrue. Use this worksheet to help:

Step 3: Ask Yourself More Helpful Questions

Now that you’ve examined how much truth there is to what you’re fearing, it’s time to work on rephrasing the fear to accommodate what you learned in Step 1 and Step 2.

Fearing the worst often comes in the form of a question:

• What if this is a disaster?
• What if this doesn’t work out?
• What if I embarrass myself?
• What if they don’t like me?

Learn to replace these questions with more helpful questions:

• What can I do to cope with a great outcome or a not-so-great outcome?
• What is my Plan A, and what would my Plan B be if this didn’t work out the way I’m hoping?
• What lessons will I learn if Plan A works, and what lessons will I learn from Plan B?
• What will remain the same in my life even if this doesn’t work out?

Your brain is naturally going to think of all the bad things, but these more helpful questions will orient your brain toward some of the information it likes to ignore. Check out this article to learn exactly how to turn your unhelpful questions into more useful questions and grab the free PDF download for even more help.

Step 4: Answer Your More Helpful Question

At this point, you’ve recognized that it’s not fear that’s helpful, it’s taking preparatory action that’s helpful. And you’ve learned that your brain is forgetting that there’s some evidence that what you’re afraid of might not even happen or might not be quite as bad as you’re brain’s trying to pretend like it will be. You’ve used that to turn your fear into a more helpful question. Now, answer your question.

Here are some examples:

• What can I do to cope with a great outcome or a not-so-great outcome?
  • Great outcome: Celebrate, document in my journal what I’ve learned
  • Not-so-great outcome: Call a friend for support, find another path to what I want
• What is my Plan A, and what would my Plan B be if this didn’t work out the way I’m hoping?
  • Plan A: Apply for this promotion
  • Plan B: Look for a similar position at another company so I can continue moving forward in my career
• What lessons will I learn if Plan A works, and what lessons will I learn from Plan B?
  • Plan A: I’ll practice my interviewing skills during the application process and learn lots of new management skills in the new position
  • Plan B: I’ll learn how to update my resume to sell my skills better, I’ll learn what exciting things are happening at other companies, and I’ll learn that I can cope with adversity
• What will remain the same in my life even if this doesn’t work out?
  • Almost everything will stay the same, even if I don’t get this promotion. I’ll still think chocolate chip cookies are better than peanut butter, I’ll still wear leggings every chance I get, I’ll still love singing 90s hits in the car, and I’ll still ask to pet every puppy I see.

Once you can put the fear in perspective, the emotional intensity tends to lessen.

Putting the Steps Into Practice to Stop Fearing the Worst

Heads up: These steps take time to practice. Don’t expect to immediately feel super confident about whatever you were initially afraid of. The intention initially is to decrease the fear enough to take action in a direction that’s valuable to you. Over time, as you practice these skills, the fears will lesson and your confidence will increase.

Why It’s So Hard to Relax

One consequence of habitually fearing the worst is that it becomes really hard to relax. Even when you try to relax, you still feel tense and uptight. Next week, I’ll tell you why it’s so hard for people to relax and give you some techniques to relax when you’re feeling anxious or stressed. Don’t miss it.

Talk to you soon,

Dr. Finch

P.S.    Remember, this is education, not treatment.  Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you.  See the disclaimer for more details.