YOUR STANDARDS ARE KEEPING YOU STUCK (AND ANXIOUS)
Having Standards Is Important
Here’s the problem: Without any personal standards at all, we don’t have the slightest idea whether we’re headed in a direction to meet our own goals. We’re just floating out in the abyss, completely aimless.
So having standards is important. Even having high standards is important.
But Our Standards Create Anxiety
But here’s the second problem: Our standards can get out of hand and become unrelenting and unhealthy. In that case, we have a host of new problems that come about — namely that we always feel inadequate because nothing we ever do is ever good enough to meet those standards.
So, ultimately, we want to set personal standards that are healthy.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy (i.e., Anxiety-Creating) Standards
Here’s the distinction:
No standard: Responding to emails is totally optional.
Healthy standard: Try to respond to emails in a timely manner whenever possible.
Unhealthy, unrelenting standard: Always respond to emails within the hour with actionable feedback that has been carefully proofread.
See how that unhealthy, unrelenting standard can get you in trouble emotionally? As soon as another project comes up that preempts your email timeliness, or as soon as you send out an email with a mistake in it, or as soon as someone asks whether you received their last email, you immediately get a pang in your gut that tells you you’re a terrible person.
How to Tell The Difference
So how do you know whether you’re setting healthy standards or unhealthy, unrelenting standards? The first step is to figure out what your personal standards are in the first place. Most of the time, the standards we set for ourselves are not conscious…we never actually put the standards into words, but they nevertheless control our behavior.
Think about the various domains of your life and consider what your standards are. This will take some time and thought to figure out what your brain is actually telling you. But because you know I like to help you actually take action on these ideas, I’ve put together a PDF to help you figure this out.
Once you know what your standards are, it’s time to figure out whether they’re healthy or unhealthy. Check back next week, where I’ll give you 11 questions to ask yourself to figure out whether your standards are healthy or unrelenting.
Talk to you soon,
Dr. Finch
P.S. Here’s the gist: The standards we set for ourselves play a huge role in how healthy our lives are generally. Grab the PDF to start figuring out what your standards are, then check back next week to get a list of questions to determine if those standards are healthy.
P.P.S. Remember, this is education, not treatment. Always consult with a psychologist or therapist about your mental health to determine what information and interventions are best for you. See the disclaimer for more details.
Hayden C. Finch, PhD, is a practicing psychologist in Des Moines, Iowa, dedicated to helping you master your mental health.
